Philadelphia Boudoir Photographer | What is HEAVEN, and why now?
I’ve been thinking a lot. Like. A lot.
If you’ve been following along on my Instagram for the past few years, you likely know how all over the place I’ve been. Being a boudoir photographer and business owner was my entire life and personality before the pandemic hit.
By the time the pandemic hit, I was already starting to suffer from the results of intense burnout after years of overworking myself and ignoring my body. Fatigue, resentment, indecision, anger, frustration. I was spiraling. When the shutdown began, I was relieved to have a break, and that was the beginning of learning how to listen to my body.
The subsequent five years have had their fair share of holy shit moments. Got pregnant, gave birth, was broken up with 3 months postpartum, struggled through the reality of being a solo parent and passing my kid (and dog) back and forth between 2 homes, and struggled to keep the business afloat and absolutely struggled to keep money in the bank.
I spent the last five years navigating the intense lows, and trying my best to take advantage of the highs. I would start feeling good and then write down an idea and impulsively put it out into the internet world and say “I’ve figured it out! THIS is the thing!!! I’m back in business!!” And then any and all excitement, momentum, or passion I had in that moment would fizzle out almost immediately. It happened over and over again, and every time it happened, I felt the heaviness of ‘being a failure’ on my chest and shoulders and head. The shame of it all pulled me further into the lowest of lows.
Along with those feelings of failure and shame, I’ve been so in the process of BEING IN THE PROCESS. It’s wonderful and weird. Sometimes confusing. A whole ass cycle of trying. “Failing”. Learning. Processing. Resting. Integrating.
And now — I’ve come to a place I never thought I’d be. I’m in it. And I’m not in it for the end result. I’m in it for the process. I’m taking time to work on things. I’m noticing when I feel impulsive and I pause, reflect, journal, breathe. The feeling of urgency pops up for me daily, and I am at a point where I can take a step back and breathe and remind myself there is no rush — even when it feels like there absolutely is a rush.
A few months ago I arrived at HEAVEN.
HEAVEN is a space where I will photograph you and (if you’d like) draw you. We’ll flow with it together. We’ll hang in my little tiny in-home boudoir studio here in Philadelphia, and we’ll probably do some laughing, giggling, possibly some crying, raging, and definitely lots and lots of breathing.
Shit is hard. Life is so much. The world is so much. The state of our country and the state of the world is weighing so heavily on all of us. We wish we could save the world. We wish we could save the children. We wish we could implant compassion, empathy, love, Earth, care, community into the brains of people who full of fear and hatred. People who are so disconnected from their body and the Earth and Nature and the realness of life.
Every day I find myself writing and daydreaming about living a quiet, sweet, lovely, dreamy, garden-y, silly, fun life. And lots of days it feels impossible because I am snapped back into the reality we’re all living. It feels like Hell.
But then there’s HEAVEN. And as I daydream about HEAVEN I think of all the Gays and the Gals and the Non-binary angels. And I think of how we would build the world. How we would soak in pleasure. How we would hold one another through it all. How we would take the time to see and allow ourselves to be seen.
HEAVEN is meant to exist as a container for your own exploration of self - your sluttiness, your queerness, your gender expression, your emotions, your body. And I'll be there with you to witness the power of rooting down into yourself. I'll be there with you as you explore and dive deep, or explore and feel the edges of your "yes's" and your “no's”.
HEAVEN is meant to explore feelings of pleasure. And confronting feelings of being seen and witnessed in that pleasure. Or in the pain. Or in the grief. Or in the joy. Or in the confusion. Or in the love. Through the tears, giggles, screams, thundering belly laughs - it’s all HEAVEN.
I hope hope hope I get to see you here in my home. I hope hope hope I get to witness you just as you are, or through your exploration of self, gender, sexuality, sensuality, grief, joy, pleasure.
So so so much love,
Cheyenne